Friday, May 14, 2010

The D Word

Hey Friends,

On movie night I tend to only pick "happy" movies. I like to feel good after watching something ... not scared, tense or sad. But for some reason the last two movies we watched have left us with tears rolling down our faces and thoughts running through our heads! Just read my Take Back Tuesday Blog from last week. Geez!!

The Time Travelers Wife was our pick of the night on Sunday. It started out so confusing and all over the place that we almost stopped it and started our Sex and the City marathon we are trying to finish before the second movie comes out .. haha!

I am not sure if I'm glad we watched it until the end or not. After it was over I laid in bed thinking about death. I am guilty to have done this many times before.  You see, death has been an obsession (for lack of a better word) of mine on and off since I was a little girl.  In fact, my mom had to sleep with me until I fell asleep until I was at least 5, because I was so afraid she was going to die.  While I don't live in fear of death and don't even really think about it much any more, my extreme fears of losing someone I love have never really gone away.  For example, I am obsessive about timing out when someone I care about "should" have made it home safely. If they don't contact me, I text harass them until I know they are safe and sound, haha!

The movie dared me to pose the very difficult question, "If given the chance would you really want to know how your life plays out? Would you want to know how and when you will die?"

Both answers to this pose a valid argument. If you knew when you were going to die you certainly wouldn't take life for granted (or I certainly hope not). You would do things to prepare, you would make each day count, you would "be ready" .. right?  The ugly truth is most of us probably would not.  I mean, who is ever really ready to say good-bye to those they love?? Unless you were told you were going to die very old, in no pain with your significant other by your side, then you would probably live your life not really wanting to die if you have a overall good life ... don't you think? I know sometimes this isn't the case.  Many times people are sick and are told they only have so many months to live and in many of those situations people do want/need to know and I understand why.

As much as I sometimes think I would "want to know" when I am going to die, I know that with me that it wouldn't matter one bit. I am not afraid of dying or where I am going after this life. I know that I will have people that I love and miss waiting on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to die anytime in even the distant future. I have so much LIFE that has been stolen from me and so much left to live. I want to have many more laughs and many good memories. I specifically want to marry the man of my dreams, maybe even have a baby and give our parents another grand child.  I want to watch my niece grow into a beautiful young woman, hopefully make a positive difference in as many peoples lives as possible. It's not my death I fear .. it's the death of anyone I love that haunts me.

All that said .. let's go back to the question at hand. After very little thought I know that if given the chance (and not in a terminally ill situation) I would NOT want to know how I am going to die. However, if someone were to tell me they could tell me how and when those I love would die, I have to wonder if it would put me at "ease" to at least know instead of worry like I do? Sometimes I think if I knew what the future held for those I love, that I could "prepare" myself for saying good-bye, however I KNOW that isn't the case. I know because I've been on both sides. I knew my grandmother was dying of cancer but it sure didn't help the pain and it didn't help me tell her goodbye.  I didn't know my cousin (who was more like my big brother) was going to die in a car accident. The shock took longer to wear off .. but in the big picture of it all ... it wasn't any harder or easier.

Death is unavoidable. It will happen to all of us one day.  Whether you know when you are going to die or not, it's gonna happen, we can't live forever ... so I guess the goal is to make it to where you leave a legacy that will.

Grace and Peace to you,

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