Monday, September 15, 2014

Moment Of Weakness

Hey Fit Fam....

Today was just one of those days I needed a swift kick in the ass. I'm not saying I've never felt lazy, that I've never not wanted to just sit at home instead of going to the gym -- I've had plenty of those days!! But for one split second (well maybe like a couple hours .. okay all day) ... I felt like I wanted to just give up. Not give up on my healthy lifestyle -- I don't mind the basic meals 6 times a day/clean eating .... it's actually a stress reliever for me to never have to decide "what am I going to eat".  I also enjoy going to the gym most the time. For a moment today ... I simply wondered what it would be like to go back to the gym being an option. Only going 3-4 days and for only 30min to an hour max. I even thought about grabbing a handful of leftover cheat day Reece's Pieces, lol!! I don't know that "give up" is the right word....maybe I'm begin dramatic... but I did have a moment of weakness where I asked myself if I really wanted to be THIS dedicated to fitness. 

Normally I would have just taken today off from the gym and allowed myself to "get over" whatever "this" is ... but I can't this week. I am traveling to go watch Olympia and have a photo shoot with a major supplement company while I"m there. That means I have no days off from lifting this week. I've gotta get in all 5 of my workouts before Friday at 9am .... no exceptions. I think that is what it was .. maybe?!? Normally I can pick my rest day from lifting based on how I'm feeling .. but that wasn't an option today ... I wasn't in control ... so for a moment I just questioned everything. Stupid. So stupid. 

I guess getting what I wished for is just giving me a little test. I've dreamed of doing a real fitness shoot and in a few days I get to do just that!! I've always wanted to go watch the Olympia and because my husband is doing all the LED and stage design ... I get an all access pass to watch one of the biggest fitness shows in the world! I get to walk around the Expo and meet my idols!! I have a job in which my bosses are supportive and letting me take some time to go do all this. I should be STOKED .. not stressed!!! But I've never been good at planning under pressure and being in the middle of contest prep and having to plan a 5 day trip to VEGAS ... is well .. really hard! I travel a lot for work and it always stresses me out .. but this is the first time I've traveled THIS long, been in the middle of a major prep (nationals) and had to plan for something I've never experienced (a big photo shoot).

I can't control my inner wiring. I'm a stress ball. A worry wart. I am 1/2 perfectionist and 1/2 procrastinator. I write out to-do lists just to throw them away and start over. Heck, I'm pretty sure my to-do lists ... have to-do lists :) So I just need to take a moment and remind myself why I started this journey. I went into this curious what the "best me" was. I was hoping to be able to step on a National stage my first season .... and in less than 10 weeks I'll be in Miami at Nationals doing just that. I wanted to have a window open so that I can maybe do some fitness modeling! Who knows if this photo shoot is that window .. it may be nothing .. but some would say it's a big ole open door.  So I guess I am getting what I wished for and today exhaustion set in and I simply didn't want to do the work that comes with these wishes coming true.  We all have days .... no matter your fitness level or goals. I'm human. 

I've never been a master at anything. Don't get me wrong ... I've always put my heart into everything I've ever really wanted to do and this journey is no different. But this time .. I really wanna be a master. Not a jack of all trades, not just talented, or good at something.  I want to master something. Even if I don't stick with competing for more than a couple years...I want to know I did it. I want to know I gave something MY ALL and succeeded. I'll never leave the #FitFam ... ever.  I'm just saying I don't know how long I'll continue to compete. But until I decide to hang up my heels (which I hope isn't any time soon).... I have to get my mind right 100% of the time....not 99%. I have to remember why I started this journey. I wanted to see the best me and see how far I could go at something. I wanted to motivate others. How can I motivate if I'm giving up?  Maybe this post WILL motivate someone. Give a little encouragement to someone that you aren't alone in your moments of doubt and insecurity. We all have days when nothing seems to be "right"...but we can't let these moments of weakness define or control us. 

Babe Ruth is quoted saying "You just can't beat the person who never gives up".  I am my biggest competition. I am my biggest motivator and my biggest critique and I will not disappoint myself.
I will not let myself even think of giving up simply because I'm having a bad day.

I know what giving up looks like ... I've done it plenty of times. I'm ready to see what happens when I don't.... aren't you :)

Eat Clean. Train Dirty

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